American Idol Recap: Orlando – The Good And Bad

Simon Cowell, Kara DioGuardi, Kristin Chenoweth, Randy Jackson - Michael Becker / FOX

We’re almost there, folks. Just a few more audition episodes on season 9 of American Idol before the ‘fun for us, chaotic for the contestants’ Hollywood week starts, and we get to see what new judge Ellen DeGeneres is made of.

Before we reach the Promise Land, the judges need to scoop up more talent. Join by Broadway baby Kristin Chenoweth as guest judge, last night they stopped in the home of Disney World,  Orlando, Florida, so you know the Idol hopefuls were wishing upon stars because it makes no difference who they are — sorry, got carried away.

Some of the colorful characters who turned out could have benefited from some cosmic assistance. Let’s take a look at some of the sunny singers worth mentioning.

Theo Glinton: First things first, Theo looks like Lady GaGa and a Wet Seal clothing store exploded all over him. With his too-tight baby tee, uber-snug jeans, and glittered up face, he performed Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker.” Result? His voice is as bad as he looks. When the judges panned his performance, he had the audacity to compare his talents to Jennifer Hudson’s. A few chuckles from the judges later, they politely let him down. Kara even offered a “you smell nice.” That should make his day.

Seth Rollins: 28-year-old Seth is trying to make it to Hollywood to provide his family with an easier life. He’s married with two children, one has Autism. He chose “Someone To Watch Over Me” to perform, and while it was nice and soothing, it was nothing spectacular. The judges like it, though. Randy makes it a point to tell Seth he needs to work on his vibe and performance skills. Couldn’t agree more. Nice and dull = nice and gone after Hollywood week.

Jermaine Purifoy: Jermaine is back for his second go at Hollywood. He auditioned in season 7, but didn’t make it. He figures it just wasn’t in the card for that time. So, he got his voice together and now he’s ready. And boy was he! From the minute he started singing “Smile,” Simon couldn’t stop doing just that. Kristin and Kara pretty much melted in a puddle from Jermaine’s well-controlled, soulful voice. With four big sweeping yeses and a “Chicks will like him” from Simon, Jermaine is off to Hollywood.

Shelby Pressel: Shelby loves to sing, but most of all, she’s doing this to overcome an insecurity. A birth defect in her brain caused her to be paralyzed on the right side of her face. Her story was inspiring, but her voice is unremarkable. She warbled through Norah Jones’ “Turn Me On,” but forgot the lyrics halfway through. Simon wasn’t blown away, but Kristin and Kara saw her potential. She landed four yeses, though Simon’s yes has a small Y.

Jay Stone: Do. Not. Want. I’d leave it at that, but I guess there’s more. Jay wants to stand out from the rest, so his plan is to incorporate his beat boxing skills with her singing. So, his plan is to be exactly like season 6 runner-up Blake Lewis — oh, wait. Sorry. According to Jay, Blake doesn’t do what he does, for Jay sings and beat boxes simultaneously. Pah! His voice is decent when stripped of the nonsensical robot and zoom sounds, but he’s not good enough to make even the top 50. The judges pass him through to Hollywood. I want to quit watching.

Cornelius Edwards: He came in with a big voice, but he’ll be remembered for his big split. Well, let’s make that two big splits. In the middle on singing “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner, Cornelius busted a wicked rockstar split he learned from his friends who, uh, shed their clothes for money. His pants split right down the middle, potentially exposing his Proud (or shameful) Mary. For his dedication he was rewarded with a golden ticket to Hollywood.

Bernadette and Amanda Desimone: A sister set! I was wondering when we’d get one! Typically on Idol when sisters show up, you can expect for one to be lousy and the other to be OK. No change here. Bernadette, known as the sister in the blue, chose “Hit The Road Jack” for her performance. It was as plain and whole milk. Amanda, known as the sister in the yellow, was a bit better. Her problem was song choice. She chose Whitney Houston and she’s no Whit. Amanda is more like strawberry milk; some people will like it, others will gag on it. Surprisingly, Simon preferred Bernadette to Amanda, but both sisters got through.

Jarrod Norrell: Jarrod says you gotta have passion when you audition. He definitely had…something. He had to “give it up to God” so he chose “Amazing Grace.” Thankfully, God is forgiving because poor Jarrod butchered the song. The judges looked on in pure horror. The first thing out of Kara’s mouth? “Oh, good lord!” She says he sounds like a lawn mower. Jarrod is blown away! He says he was just trippin’ and needs one more song to convince them he’s, like, way awesome. He begins to sing again and security is called. He refuses to leave. “I can not leave! I’m not getting violent!” The guards are forced to place him in handcuffs and haul his ass out of there.

Matt Lawrence: AMAZING GRACE! We’ve found it in Matt! The 25-year-old is on the road to redemption after being arrested for robbing a bank in his teens. He spent four birthdays in the clink — a heartbreaking situation for his family. Now, he’s doing this to make them proud. They should be very proud. He performed a pure and bluesy rendition of “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne. The judges wet their pants in excitement. Simon calls it “brilliant” and hails his authenticity. Randy loves the way Matt’s voice is so “genuine.” Needless to say, he gets three yeses. Kara even makes a bold prediction, saying he’ll make top 12.

Judging the guest judge

If you weren’t already in love with KC, you’re definitely enamored with her now. She didn’t stick to short, forced critiques when it was her turn to speak. She offered detailed criticism to the contestants that they and us at home could appreciate. And you just gotta love her sunny disposition. It’s a shame she could only make it to day one, but she left her mark. A+++