Randy Jackson, Victoria Beckham, Kara DioGuardi, Simon Cowell - Michael Becker / FOX
Tuesday night’s episode of American Idol aired on Groundhog’s Day (February 2), and much like the movie of the same name, we found ourselves living in a sorta repeat of the first episode of season 9. Victoria Beckham was back in the guest judge chair, and, like at the Boston auditions, she rambled off more useless critiques that had more to do with a contestant’s image than vocal talent.
Denver was high on altitude, low on stand out contestants. But still, we got some good singers out of the bunch. We even got one hot bikini clad dude to stare at. Yum!
Let’s take look back at the fun.
Mark Labriola: Mark, who says he is constantly being mistaken for Jack Black, is “the guy doing the thing that dudes do.” Uh, yeah. I don’t know what that means either. It was pretty much a given that his audition would be bad. His lengthy story about being kidnapped by his mom when he was four didn’t do much to change what I thought the outcome would be. He began singing “Tempted” by Squeeze and I was forced to eat my words. His personality really came out and his voice was pretty damn good. The judges thought he’d be a joke too, but was pleasantly surprised by his talent. He was rewarded with a trip to Hollywood.
Mario Galvin: Mario is hardly worth the time it’ll take to type about him. Weird outfit. Weirder nervous laugh. Weirdest singing voice on Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock.” It’s a no across the board.
Kimberly Kerbow: The 24-year-old mom of probably the cutest 5-year-old little girl on the planet charmed her way through her audition by singing a sultry version of Ingrid Michaelson’s “I Am.” She looked right at Simon as she sang, “I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.” Simon cruelly jokes that he can see why she’s a single mom, but that didn’t take away from how much he liked her sweet voice. She gets four yeses. Simon shoots back when Kimberly leaves the room, making a remark about the obvious wig she was wearing.
Danelle Hayes: Poor Danelle has been through it! She stepped into the audition room on the brink of tears, and couldn’t hold them back as she talked about the struggle to pursue her dream of singing. “It’s a lot more work than you think,” she said. The good news is she definitely has what it takes if she can get her emotions in check. She performed “I’m The Only One” by Melissa Etheridge with a nice raspy rock-meets-soul voice. Simon noted that she almost seemed “broken” but Kara loves that she wears her heart on her sleeve and called her audition one of the most “moving” she’s seen. Hollywood is calling Danelle’s name — and just in time!
Casey James: WARNING! Embarrassment ahead!!! This poor kid Casey was in a bad motorcycle wreck when he was 21. Six years later, he suffers a bad audition wreck thanks to Kara and Victoria. His audition was lifeless and completely dull. Simon cut it short to tell him it was bad. “No charisma, no effort, no attempt.” Randy asks what V thinks. Her response? “What do you look like with your hair down?” The girls don’t care that he’s as dull as water with dirty foot powder in it, or that his voice is only OK. They want to see him unbutton his shirt. But no! It doesn’t stop there. Casey is told to take his shirt off — by Randy! Le sigh!! Casey does as he’s told because he desperately wants to go to Hollywood. “You won’t regret it,” he says. “You will when you watch this back,” Simon quips. “Embarrassing!” Totally! Simon says no, but the girls work Randy over, and with the promise that he’ll work on his personality, Casey goes to Hollywood.
Tori Kelly: Tori’s got a big clan of family and friends backing her. One of her biggest supporters is her little sister, who also loves the judges and drew cute little pics of each one. Nice set up, Tori! Get the judges all buttered up before you unleash your high-pitched, immediately annoying voice on us to John Mayer’s “Gravity.” Simon is again speaking my language and calls Tori’s voice the A-word. Victoria goes on and on about how gorgeous Tori is. Yes, that’s so very important. Simon has no support to back him, so Tori lives to annoy again in Hollywood.
Austin Paul: It was official “slaughter John Mayer songs” minute, as right after an annoying rendition of “Gravity” we were given an eardrum-piercing version of “Bigger Than My Body.” Austin, who ranks going to Hollywood #42 on his bucket list, not only sounded bad, but his entire performance was over the top and ridiculous. The judges are put off by his cocky, arrogant audition, and crush his dream. He’s not too upset. He’ll always be the hunky football player.
Kenny Everett: Kenny set himself up for failure when he named himself “the male Mary J. Blige.” Better yet, he says his singing is “a public service to others.” He stood in front of the judges to sing Mary’s hit “Be Without You.” Um, yeah. MJB you are not, Kenny! Kenny sounds like he’s gagging. In other parts, he sounds like someone is boxing on his throat. The judges no likey! He’s shocked! I guess that public service just got its funding cut. Laterz!
Nicci Nix: As far as annoying voices go, Nicci’s is probably the worst you’ll ever hear. She flew 14 hours from Italy to annoy the judges stateside. Simon wants to ask her if she’s eaten any helium. He’s dead on with that description of her voice. She picks “Something Kind Of Ooh” by Girls Aloud for her audition song. This oughta be good! Eh, still annoying! But, the upside to her singing is that her voice is much lower. For some reason the judges love her — even Simon! We used to be so close! She goes to Hollywood. (If she and Tori are put in the same group during Hollywood week, I’ll just die!!!)
Haeley Vaughn: Yay! Backstory! Haeley was born two months premature and weighed only two pounds at birth. She seems to have grown into a happy, healthy young lady, and now she’s ready to go after her dream. And it’s a big one. Haeley wants to become one of the only black country/pop stars. She chose Carrie Underwood’s “Last Name” for her audition — those are some big country-pop shoes to fill! I will probably be very alone in this, but I honestly think the judges went easy on Haeley because they liked her bubbly personality and liked that she strives for something different. She had no sense of the song’s tempo and muttered the words so quickly, the song was almost unrecognizable until the chorus. Her voice, while cute, was not very impressive. If you’re going to pick a Carrie Underwood song, you should be able to at least match her awesomeness. Haeley could not. She’s so darn likable, and for that, she goes to Hollywood with four yeses.
Ty Hemmerling: Ty served no purpose other than making us laugh — and swoon — as he went in to “audition” in nothing but a bikini. Just call him Bikini Boy! He was pure hotness! The hottest part was when he scratched his butt. Oooh baby!
Judging The Guest Judge
Ah, Victoria. You were as insipid and shallow as I remembered the first time, but even more so this time around. Maybe it’s my fault for expecting her to offer more than image consultations, but I really had hope that since she’d done this already this season, she’d be better at it. Still wanting Neil Patrick Harris back! F
